Joining John on the panel for this preseason special to kickoff the college football season this week is New England Patriots Quarterback, Tom Brady...Republican-for-now candidate for United States President, Donald Trump...Georgia Tech Head Football Coach, Paul Johnson...and long time panel favorite, former Head Basketball Coach at the University of Maryland, Lefty Driesell.
McLaughlin: "Well, well, well. Welcome back to another season of my show. Enough of that crap. Let's get to it with these losers. FIRST ISSUE! In the ACC Coastal this year, who ya got? Mr. Deflated Balls!"
Brady: "I had nothing to do with that, John, and you know it!"
McLaughlin: "That's not what Gisele said."
Brady: "Oh. Ha. You trying to make a joke about my balls, John?"
McLaughlin: "Who hasn't? Answer the question, cheater!"
Brady: "Oh, that's better. ACC Coastal...hmmm...let's see. I'll go with Boston College."
McLaughlin: "Even *I* know they aren't in the ACC Coastal, but I'm tired of you and your deflated balls."
Brady: "You just had to get it in there didn't you?"
McLaughlin: "I'll take things Gisele has not said to you recently for $500, Alex. Moving on! Mister Hair Club for Men!"
Trump: "Look, McLaughlin, I'm not taking any crap from you today."
McLaughlin: "Good. Just answer the damn question and we'll move on."
Trump: "I have built many buildings throughout the ACC Coastal area. My vineyards near Charlottesville to golf courses and resorts throughout the Atlantic seaboard. Even that loser Lindsey Graham stands at awe of me."
McLaughlin: "And yes, you are still a moron!"
Trump: "Get out! It's not your turn to talk."
McLaughlin: "It's my show, not yours, you pompous piece of cow dung. Answer the damn question!"
Trump: "I think you owe me an apology, but since I won't get it, I will go ahead and say the New York Giants."
McLaughlin: "And people are following this idiot? Moving on! Mr. Excitement!!!"
Johnson: "Well, John, the ACC Coastal has done some good things, but still has a lot to work on."
McLaughlin: "Yeah, we know. Just answer the damn question and don't play coy with me, Johnson!"
Johnson: "I play golf, not coy. Not sure how to play coy. How do you play coy, John? Is that like a game of cornhole or something? I'll obviously go with my team, Georgia Tech."
McLaughlin: "Good grief. Forget it. Just forget it. You are all WRRRRROOOOOONG! The winner of the ACC Coastal will be Miami. NEXT ISSUE! North Carolina Athletics...most disgustingly pathetic cheating university ever? Good Buddha, you are still ALIVE?"
Lefty: "Weuh, Jawn, I don't know bout that thar UNC being whatevah it is you said, but I do know one thang and that's we gone win dat ACC twophy and put it on the hood of my caw and ride thoo the state of North Carlina yellin' HEY DEANO, EAT ME!"
(crowd applauds and laughs as usual)
McLaughlin: "For the 20th season, my goodness that same dumb shtick works?"
Lefty: "Sho nuff does, Jawn. And by the way, I been knowin' UNC been cheatin' since 60 years ago when I was a student at Duke. Dey's bad, Jawn. Just somethin' awful."
McLaughlin: "For a rare change, I agree with you. Hey, YOU should know a thing about CHEATING, eh?"
Brady: "I don't cheat. Neither does Belichick. Well, if you aren't caught, you aren't cheating, right? Yeah, that's it. ha ha."
McLaughlin: "Geez I can't stand you. Answer the question, Cheater!"
Brady: "Naaaaah, UNC is a bunch of amateurs at cheating, John. I was told they haven't won a conference football title since 1980. That's some baaaaaad cheating. Take it from me. Errrr, I mean take it from my buddy, Sal. He's the one who told me. Yeah, Sal. Take it from Sal."
McLaughlin: "One problem cheaters have is keeping their stories straight. Case in point. How about you, King Arrogance?"
Trump: "I may be arrogant, John, but I'm no cheater. I've only filed for bankruptcy 17 times. I used the laws that are on the books in a legal way. As for the question, UNC is not the worst. Mexico is the worst."
McLaughlin: "Good grief. You are all WRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOONG! North Carolina is most definitely the worst set of cheaters in college athletics ever. I have to side with Baldy for a change. LAST ISSUE! Let's get this thing over with. Who wins the national title this year? And, just answer the damn question!"
Johnson (laughing): "Navy."
McLaughlin: "Don't be cute, Johnson. What about you, Old Man?"
Lefty: "Weuh, Jawn, you know I don't know much bout that thar footbaw, but I guess I'll go with Maryland."
McLaughlin: "Don't be stupid, Old Man. What about you, Cheater?"
Brady: "I'll go with Michigan of course, John."
McLaughlin: "You are all WRRRRROOOOOOOOOOONG. The national title this year will be won by Notre Dame of course. That's all for tonight thank Buddha. Good night."
The show ends with Brady reading a book "Destroying Evidence for Dummies", Trump is talking to Johnson about teaming up for a caged death match wrestling event against Chuck Norris and Mike Ditka to be on pay-per-view from Vegas, and Lefty is sleeping. McLaughlin is screaming at his production staff for bringing in this pathetic panel to kickoff the season as usual.
McLaughlin: "Well, well, well. Welcome back to another season of my show. Enough of that crap. Let's get to it with these losers. FIRST ISSUE! In the ACC Coastal this year, who ya got? Mr. Deflated Balls!"
Brady: "I had nothing to do with that, John, and you know it!"
McLaughlin: "That's not what Gisele said."
Brady: "Oh. Ha. You trying to make a joke about my balls, John?"
McLaughlin: "Who hasn't? Answer the question, cheater!"
Brady: "Oh, that's better. ACC Coastal...hmmm...let's see. I'll go with Boston College."
McLaughlin: "Even *I* know they aren't in the ACC Coastal, but I'm tired of you and your deflated balls."
Brady: "You just had to get it in there didn't you?"
McLaughlin: "I'll take things Gisele has not said to you recently for $500, Alex. Moving on! Mister Hair Club for Men!"
Trump: "Look, McLaughlin, I'm not taking any crap from you today."
McLaughlin: "Good. Just answer the damn question and we'll move on."
Trump: "I have built many buildings throughout the ACC Coastal area. My vineyards near Charlottesville to golf courses and resorts throughout the Atlantic seaboard. Even that loser Lindsey Graham stands at awe of me."
McLaughlin: "And yes, you are still a moron!"
Trump: "Get out! It's not your turn to talk."
McLaughlin: "It's my show, not yours, you pompous piece of cow dung. Answer the damn question!"
Trump: "I think you owe me an apology, but since I won't get it, I will go ahead and say the New York Giants."
McLaughlin: "And people are following this idiot? Moving on! Mr. Excitement!!!"
Johnson: "Well, John, the ACC Coastal has done some good things, but still has a lot to work on."
McLaughlin: "Yeah, we know. Just answer the damn question and don't play coy with me, Johnson!"
Johnson: "I play golf, not coy. Not sure how to play coy. How do you play coy, John? Is that like a game of cornhole or something? I'll obviously go with my team, Georgia Tech."
McLaughlin: "Good grief. Forget it. Just forget it. You are all WRRRRROOOOOONG! The winner of the ACC Coastal will be Miami. NEXT ISSUE! North Carolina Athletics...most disgustingly pathetic cheating university ever? Good Buddha, you are still ALIVE?"
Lefty: "Weuh, Jawn, I don't know bout that thar UNC being whatevah it is you said, but I do know one thang and that's we gone win dat ACC twophy and put it on the hood of my caw and ride thoo the state of North Carlina yellin' HEY DEANO, EAT ME!"
(crowd applauds and laughs as usual)
McLaughlin: "For the 20th season, my goodness that same dumb shtick works?"
Lefty: "Sho nuff does, Jawn. And by the way, I been knowin' UNC been cheatin' since 60 years ago when I was a student at Duke. Dey's bad, Jawn. Just somethin' awful."
McLaughlin: "For a rare change, I agree with you. Hey, YOU should know a thing about CHEATING, eh?"
Brady: "I don't cheat. Neither does Belichick. Well, if you aren't caught, you aren't cheating, right? Yeah, that's it. ha ha."
McLaughlin: "Geez I can't stand you. Answer the question, Cheater!"
Brady: "Naaaaah, UNC is a bunch of amateurs at cheating, John. I was told they haven't won a conference football title since 1980. That's some baaaaaad cheating. Take it from me. Errrr, I mean take it from my buddy, Sal. He's the one who told me. Yeah, Sal. Take it from Sal."
McLaughlin: "One problem cheaters have is keeping their stories straight. Case in point. How about you, King Arrogance?"
Trump: "I may be arrogant, John, but I'm no cheater. I've only filed for bankruptcy 17 times. I used the laws that are on the books in a legal way. As for the question, UNC is not the worst. Mexico is the worst."
McLaughlin: "Good grief. You are all WRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOONG! North Carolina is most definitely the worst set of cheaters in college athletics ever. I have to side with Baldy for a change. LAST ISSUE! Let's get this thing over with. Who wins the national title this year? And, just answer the damn question!"
Johnson (laughing): "Navy."
McLaughlin: "Don't be cute, Johnson. What about you, Old Man?"
Lefty: "Weuh, Jawn, you know I don't know much bout that thar footbaw, but I guess I'll go with Maryland."
McLaughlin: "Don't be stupid, Old Man. What about you, Cheater?"
Brady: "I'll go with Michigan of course, John."
McLaughlin: "You are all WRRRRROOOOOOOOOOONG. The national title this year will be won by Notre Dame of course. That's all for tonight thank Buddha. Good night."
The show ends with Brady reading a book "Destroying Evidence for Dummies", Trump is talking to Johnson about teaming up for a caged death match wrestling event against Chuck Norris and Mike Ditka to be on pay-per-view from Vegas, and Lefty is sleeping. McLaughlin is screaming at his production staff for bringing in this pathetic panel to kickoff the season as usual.
