Questions I want to know

[stech81]

As I sit here at work on my last day, I have a few questions that no one has been able to answer for me , but I know y'all will have the answers.

1) If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
2) How can someone "draw a blank"?
3) If practice makes perfect, and there is no such thing as perfect, why practice?
4) If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you
strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
5) Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
6) What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?
7) Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
8) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out"?
9) What came first, the fruit or the color orange?
10) Why do we say "bye bye" but not "hi hi"?
11) Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?
12) How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
13) Why do they report power outages on TV?
14) How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

and last question
15) I don't seem to succeed at things the first time, would skydiving be something good to try ?

 

[Buzzforlife]

Can't answer those 15. Have spent my semi-retirement since August, observing a few odd facts that I have come to a few conclusions on:

Certain churches welcome donations in dollars and incense.

Badly finished garments are unseemly.

Poorly run fishing companies have a net loss.

Seating at sad stage shows is usually teared.

When cartoonists play sports the games are usually drawn.

Choristers require churches every Sunday.

The dairy industry in the Middle-East depends on milk shakes.

The invention of the wheel created a revolution.

Ballet is best learned using proper steps and stages.

Dyslexic prisoners are not helped by long sentences.

Websites about wild cats usually have lynx.

To fix a broken clarinet get an instruction manual and give it a good reed.

A hot-headed prince needs heir conditioning.

Fields of bare brown earth can be a harrowing site.

A harp which sounds to good to be true is probably a lyre.

Being in debt attracts a lot of interest from bankers.

If you want good feedback ask any road-roller driver - they are natural flatterers.

Religious lions get down on their knees to prey.

Successful corrective surgery on mermaids depends on the detailing.

Steam-ironing is decreasing. And when your clothes get crumpled it's depressing.

Lumberjacks can keep accurate records because they understand logs.

When a ghost is offered a blind date does it say 'Woo who?..'

One sole flatfish. One sole singer.

Poor people don't eat venison because it's dear.

Modern Yorkshire has lost something; police are searching for Leeds.

Trees are relieved when Spring comes.

Double-glazing installation is easier to schedule with a big window.

It's not easy to make a dog from wood bark.

And a big computerized dog needs a megabyte.

Adding an extra floor to a skyscraper is quite another storey.

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

A broken window is a pain.

The Vatican website shop offers Paypal transactions.

Celibacy can be a very hard thing.

Effective publicity in the bicycle industry depends on having a good spokesman.

For a furniture corporation to succeed it needs a good chairman.

Confusion in electrical businesses is often due to crossed wires.

A currant bun never goes out of date.

A damaged farm building is unstable.

Movie characters with broken legs are often miscast.

Snowboarders who become dependent on drugs go downhill fast.

Meat processing... its future is at steak. And will be until the cows come home.

Cadaver industry regulation - bodies are weak and lack teeth.

You will see a variety of styles and gaits when walking with others in the countryside.

Winemaking after a poor grape harvest can be fruitless.

Airlines process missing luggage complaints on a case-by-case basis.

A good fruit pie is usually made with aplomb.

When tennis equipment is overpriced it's a racket.

Single apples are not pairs.

Plumbers and vegetable-growers blame leaks for bad press reports.

Hot-dogs should be eaten with considerable relish.

A song about a fajita is usually a rap.

100% reliable contraception is inconceivable.

Serious campers are intense.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

Sports people can avoid the pain of defeat by wearing comfortable shoes.

Nut screws washers and bolts. (Headline after a launderette sex crime)

Poetry written upside-down is inverse; poetry of very few lines is universal.

A girl who screamed and shouted for a pony got a little hoarse.

The carpenter's heavy tools were uncomfortable so he got a little sore.

Nuns generally wear plain colours because old habits never dye.

The days of the pocket diary are numbered.

Lions eat their prey fresh and roar.

Old bikes should be retired.

Geometry holds clues for the meaning of life; look and you will see the sines.

You can't beat a pickled egg.

If a leopard could cook would he ever change his pots?

See one melée of unruly people and you've seen a maul.

Do hungry time-travellers ever go back four seconds?

...and lastly, I'll leave you with this dichotomy-
"All cars are either small and efficient or large and polluting". My car is small and polluting!

 

[BornAJacket]

I will try a few for you...
4. Mythbusters worked on the buttered toast question but never made it to the cat part of the dilemma.
6. I think they use the color of your eyebrows.
9. I believe the fruit came first, probably an old French or Persian origin. More interesting is that orange is one of the few English words that does not have a true rhyme, although when we do, people cringe
10. because grandparents are twice as happy to see their grandchildren leave.
12. road signs are more entertainment driven usually meant for games, especially speed limits
15. If at first you don't succeed, try try again.

 

[Buzzforlife]

15)BAJ- You're going to get him hurt, or beer is going to be flying all over us. We need Stech81 for 2016 G.T. Football, alive!

 

[stech81]

15)BAJ- You're going to get him hurt, or beer is going to be flying all over us. We need Stech81 for 2016 G.T. Football, alive!

 

[BornAJacket]

sounds like a rush

 

[GTJT622]

I'll take a shot at your questions later in a separate reply. For now, it is just after 5pmET as I type this and I want to say a big CONGRATS!!! to my friend, stech, on his retirement. I've got 10 more years but hope we are all still together some place in cyber space where you can send out the same to me, mate. CONGRATS!!!!

Now, for my dilemma. What to watch on Christmas Eve and Christmas morning....some options...

1. Yule Log with dog and cat. Now, I can't stand cats so that's half a problem right there. It would only be worth it if someone would come in and staple the cat to the wall and we can watch it die a slow death. The dog? Screw it. I've got my own lovable beagle, Ginger, to watch.

2. Bevo Yule Log on The Longhorn Network. Now, why in the hell would I want to watch cattle lay cable right beside the grass they eat in a pasture? I mean, I'm going to spend Christmas Day like normal with my in-laws. Won't I already have enough of the same type behavior? The answer is yes. Thank Buddha for my F-I-L who will have a batch of shine ready to sample when we can get away from all the rest of my wife's family. Screw Bevo and screw Tejas.

3. It's a Wonderful Life. Now we're talking. I think I'll watch this for the 622nd time in my life. While Mr. Potter is obviously a prick (probably a UNC alum), it still bothers me that that drunk, Uncle Billy, kind of got away with being a nin-com-poop. I mean, who walks around with 8 grand in cash and doesn't have 3 body guards with him to get it into the bank safely? Especially back in those days when 8 grand was probably worth about 100 grand today. Plus, why didn't he just direct deposit it through his cell phone? (I'll take "Things Kids Today Would Ask" for $500, Alex)

4. I guess after IAWL goes off, I'll go back to the old standby. That's right. Just go upstairs and bang the wife.

Merry Christmas, maties!

 

[stech81]

I'll take a shot at your questions later in a separate reply. For now, it is just after 5pmET as I type this and I want to say a big CONGRATS!!! to my friend, stech, on his retirement. I've got 10 more years but hope we are all still together some place in cyber space where you can send out the same to me, mate. CONGRATS!!!!

Now, for my dilemma. What to watch on Christmas Eve and Christmas morning....some options...

1. Yule Log with dog and cat. Now, I can't stand cats so that's half a problem right there. It would only be worth it if someone would come in and staple the cat to the wall and we can watch it die a slow death. The dog? Screw it. I've got my own lovable beagle, Ginger, to watch.

2. Bevo Yule Log on The Longhorn Network. Now, why in the hell would I want to watch cattle lay cable right beside the grass they eat in a pasture? I mean, I'm going to spend Christmas Day like normal with my in-laws. Won't I already have enough of the same type behavior? The answer is yes. Thank Buddha for my F-I-L who will have a batch of shine ready to sample when we can get away from all the rest of my wife's family. Screw Bevo and screw Tejas.

3. It's a Wonderful Life. Now we're talking. I think I'll watch this for the 622nd time in my life. While Mr. Potter is obviously a prick (probably a UNC alum), it still bothers me that that drunk, Uncle Billy, kind of got away with being a nin-com-poop. I mean, who walks around with 8 grand in cash and doesn't have 3 body guards with him to get it into the bank safely? Especially back in those days when 8 grand was probably worth about 100 grand today. Plus, why didn't he just direct deposit it through his cell phone? (I'll take "Things Kids Today Would Ask" for $500, Alex)

4. I guess after IAWL goes off, I'll go back to the old standby. That's right. Just go upstairs and bang the wife.

Merry Christmas, maties!

Thanks GTJT , I hope I'm still around in ten year to Congratulate you.
And I hate cats also.

 

[GTJT622]

As always, I'm here to help you with life's questions, mate...

As I sit here at work on my last day, I have a few questions that no one has been able to answer for me , but I know y'all will have the answers.

1) If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
There's a poor bass turd in Malaysia who knows of a substance that sticks to TEFLON. Don't believe the hype and marketing. He works 23.8 hours a day at the plant every day applying this mystery substance to make TEFLON stick to the pan. Word has it, Al Gore is crying foul and claiming he invented this mystery substance. Stay tuned...

2) How can someone "draw a blank"?
Watch our Head Football Coach, Offensive Coordinator, Play Caller Guy during any given GT FB game when the opposition stacks 8 or 9 guys inside the box.

3) If practice makes perfect, and there is no such thing as perfect, why practice?
But, who says there is no such thing as perfect? Have you seen Sofia Vergara? Wait. I forgot. You were married to her for a while. Maybe you're right now that I think of it some more. Screw practice. Alan Iverson says so.

4) If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you
strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Hopefully you will have a dead cat and move on about your way. In case the cat doesn't die, take a moment and kill it. The world will be better off. Ever see a bomb sniffing cat? Ever see a cat helping a special needs person in a wheelchair? We can do without them. My lovable beagle says so. Of course, she says that about ugly, lazy bulldogs too.

5) Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Because it would give the airlines yet one more way to screw you for more senseless fees. Just be happy you got the flotation device. Be even happier if you never have to use it. I think condoms under the seats would be better. You know, to help promote safe sex for the 5 Mile High Clubber population and all.

6) What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?
Red. Same as the type of wine that goes with hot dogs.

7) Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
Well, side note, but if you have a watch that has a third hand then you have too complicated of a watch. Sell that at a pawn shop and make some money. It's probably worth something. At least 7 bucks probably. But, the answer to your question is that 2.874 Hand failed at marketing and they chose to just round up.

8) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out"?
Bill Cosby.

9) What came first, the fruit or the color orange?
The color came first. It was around 6,817 BC when some guy bled into his lemonade and it turned orange. He first called it black, but the people at the time felt that was politically incorrect so he went with orange...or as some Southerners call it...urrrrnge.

10) Why do we say "bye bye" but not "hi hi"?
Because you want people to get the hell away from you so saying Bye twice reinforces your desire for them to get the heck away from you so you can go back to drinking and trying to see something nekkid on TV. Saying Hi twice would give the fake illusion that you are happy to see someone who will take away from your drinking and trying to see something nekkid on TV time.

11) Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?
Of course, some of this depends on how drunk you are at the moment. I prefer to think they are white with black stripes around 6pm but then by 11pm they are purple with lime green stripes. Somehow some way, by 4am, they get to black with white stripes.

12) How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Mini vans, which are magnets to deer and are much better as a hunting apparatus than any gun or clown in a deer stand, tend to congregate at the yellow road signs and that attracts the deer to cross. Sometimes the deer gets hit. Sometimes the van gets wiped out by the deer. Either way, it is more effective than clowns in deer stands sneeking up on helpless deer and claiming they are hunters. It would be a more fair fight if the deer had a gun to shoot back. Or a van to drive at the clown. I've yet to figure out which is more smart...the deer, the van or the clown in the stand.

13) Why do they report power outages on TV?
Because they ran out of stories to cover on the Kardashians or what Lebron had for breakfast.

14) How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
Superman liked being unpredictable. Though, he still has not figured out how to get Wonder Woman to be ready to go out to eat on time. See. There are some things that even Superman can't do.

and last question
15) I don't seem to succeed at things the first time, would skydiving be something good to try ?
Sure. But, could you wait until after I take some life insurance out on you beforehand please? Let me know, good sir.

 

[stech81]

Thanks for your answers GTJT and BornAjacket I knew I could count on Y'all. And as for Sofia she still can't make biscuits . Great to look at but at my age I need good biscuits.

 

[GTJT622]

at my age I need good biscuits.

Note to self...

...get stech81 a $100 gift card to Red Lobster as a retirement gift.

Buying 3 dozen on Christmas Eve to take down to the inlaws and reheat for Christmas dinner. Addictive.

Maybe you should marry a cook at Red Lobster...even if a guy.

 

[GTJT622]

One question I'd like an answer to...

...does anybody know of any good places to wager on collegiate cross country or swimming and diving meets? (thanks to Buzzforlife for educating me that they are called "meets" a few weeks ago)

I've made a New Years Revolution...Resolution...Revolver...Rewhateverit'scalled...to get more engaged with Tech's Cross Country and Swimming & Diving programs since apparently somebody feels we must have them. If no ideas surface, I can always contact the Irish or English. Those wackos will wager on anything (and Buddha love 'em for it).

 

[stech81]

One question I'd like an answer to...

...does anybody know of any good places to wager on collegiate cross country or swimming and diving meets? (thanks to Buzzforlife for educating me that they are called "meets" a few weeks ago)

I've made a New Years Revolution...Resolution...Revolver...Rewhateverit'scalled...to get more engaged with Tech's Cross Country and Swimming & Diving programs since apparently somebody feels we must have them. If no ideas surface, I can always contact the Irish or English. Those wackos will wager on anything (and Buddha love 'em for it).

First I thought it was spelled meats not meets. ( ham, chicken , steak) but that's not the answer to your question . Honest Abe betting at www.youloseagain.com

 

[GTJT622]

Btw, I'm curious why they have to run cross country? Seems like a really long way. Unless you are a college team in Luxembourg. I mean, couldn't they just run cross state? In fact, in North Carolina or Tennessee if they are going east-west, that'd be tough. North-south not so bad. In fact, I believe Nathan Cottrell ran to Tech to turn in his LOI on signing day and was back for homeroom. Took him about 18 minutes I've been told.

Cross county even seems long. Especially to out of shape fat guys like me. Maybe this is why I've never connected with the "sport". Now, if they had something like Cross Beer Fridge, I'm pretty sure that would be much more exciting and drunks like me not only would gravitate to it, but we'd wager like crazy. Frat guys at Tech could actually do something useful with their time for a change.

And while here, I think it was the great George Carlin who once said "swimming is not a sport". Swimming is a way to keep from drowning.

 

[Buzzforlife]

Could not find any places to wager on any collegiate non-revenue or sub-sports if you will. Probably not enough interest. They say if you go to certain places in Vegas, you can find bookies who will take a bet on anything.

Here is a sports book on Badminton, for all of you Shuttlecock Specialists:
https://m.oddschecker.com/t/winter-sports/cross-country-skiing#/page-badminton

 

[stech81]

Could not find any places to wager on any collegiate non-revenue or sub-sports if you will. Probably not enough interest. They say if you go to certain places in Vegas, you can find bookies who will take a bet on anything.

Here is a sports book on Badminton, for all of you Shuttlecock Specialists:
https://m.oddschecker.com/t/winter-sports/cross-country-skiing#/page-badminton

Oh, badminton is a great sport.
Maybe one day Tech will have a badminton team and GTJT can coach them. If we get a woman's team I guess I coach coach them.

 

[GTJT622]

Now that you are retired, what's the Over/Under on number of days before you go back to work? Honey-do lists are a beyatch.

 

[stech81]

Now that you are retired, what's the Over/Under on number of days before you go back to work? Honey-do lists are a beyatch.

I think this time it will be for good. But I am fix'en up a room in the basement just to have a place to hide .

 

[GTJT622]

I've been off all week. Can't wait to get back to "work". The bigger boss at home is a much harder slave driver.

Merry Christmas, maties.