April Fools’ Day, circa 1990, I meticulously swapped the sugar and the salt dispensers in our company’s break room.
Then, I sat in the back corner, and nearly choked trying to suppress laughing at the resulting chaos. Yes, I was THAT guy. These days, I’m reminded of a mentor who advised me to take my work seriously, but not myself. Be humble, and take time to laugh at yourself - when warranted. Here, I poke some fun at my own quirkiness:
What if … I’m really NOT all that “Southern”?
I was born and raised in south Alabama.
Make that ... “deep South” Alabama:
Great water sports. Mardi Gras. Wonderful seafood. Dogs named “Bear” ... and, these days: "Saban".
Yet, I now wonder if my late Daddy wouldn’t jokingly declare me a “misguided Yankee”. Why? Because I’m missing a few lifestyle traits that are common to most Southern men.
Oh, don’t get me wrong. I love grits, sweet tea, college football, Southern hospitality, chivalry, and reading my Bible daily. I reckon all that would qualify me to be just as “Southern” as “gravy-on-a-biscuit”, by Daddy’s definition.
However, Daddy might face-palm over other “Southern Boy” character virtues that I simply didn’t inherit. Here’s 10 ways that I’m just NOT a “Southern Man”:
10. NASCAR
It isn’t that I don’t marvel at a bunch of fast cars making left turns for 4 hours.
I don't.
I’m just stunned that EVERYBODY ELSE in the South seems able to watch it for more than 6 seconds ... without the services of a certified counselor.
Watching NASCAR drives me insane. Pun intended.
Not that I missed anything. I’ve seen more deer on Peachtree Street and Old Shell Roads than I ever saw while hunting.
In Granddaddy’s pond? I’d rather hit old golf balls into it than clean the two bream it takes to make a meal.
I still don’t end questions or statements with a preposition.
Except, of course: Auburn.
Miserable lyrics (“I was drunk the day my Mama got outa prison… and my dog died”), set to twang instruments, must surely be one of the deeper circles of Dante’s Inferno.
Okay. That’s enough confession.
Pass the cornbread, please.
-StraightJacket ... (Again)
Then, I sat in the back corner, and nearly choked trying to suppress laughing at the resulting chaos. Yes, I was THAT guy. These days, I’m reminded of a mentor who advised me to take my work seriously, but not myself. Be humble, and take time to laugh at yourself - when warranted. Here, I poke some fun at my own quirkiness:
What if … I’m really NOT all that “Southern”?
I was born and raised in south Alabama.
Make that ... “deep South” Alabama:
Great water sports. Mardi Gras. Wonderful seafood. Dogs named “Bear” ... and, these days: "Saban".
Yet, I now wonder if my late Daddy wouldn’t jokingly declare me a “misguided Yankee”. Why? Because I’m missing a few lifestyle traits that are common to most Southern men.
Oh, don’t get me wrong. I love grits, sweet tea, college football, Southern hospitality, chivalry, and reading my Bible daily. I reckon all that would qualify me to be just as “Southern” as “gravy-on-a-biscuit”, by Daddy’s definition.
However, Daddy might face-palm over other “Southern Boy” character virtues that I simply didn’t inherit. Here’s 10 ways that I’m just NOT a “Southern Man”:
10. NASCAR
It isn’t that I don’t marvel at a bunch of fast cars making left turns for 4 hours.
I don't.
I’m just stunned that EVERYBODY ELSE in the South seems able to watch it for more than 6 seconds ... without the services of a certified counselor.
Watching NASCAR drives me insane. Pun intended.
9. Okra
I don’t care how you cook it. If I ever swallow poison, just give me okra. I’ll vomit that poison out in a heartbeat.8. Hunting
Bores me to tears. I once fell out of a deer stand. Twice. How? Fell asleep.Not that I missed anything. I’ve seen more deer on Peachtree Street and Old Shell Roads than I ever saw while hunting.
7. Fishing
In the Gulf of America? I get seasick every time.In Granddaddy’s pond? I’d rather hit old golf balls into it than clean the two bream it takes to make a meal.
6. There is no number 6.
Okay, … so that’s not a "Southern" thing. It’s an English / Monty Python joke.5. Grammar
Southern liberties with proper English grammar never cut it with Daddy, so he wouldn’t groan about this one. Daddy was deceased before I said “ain’t” the first time.I still don’t end questions or statements with a preposition.
4. Attire
Dressing like Larry the Cable Guy wasn’t tolerated in my youth. However, Daddy was fine with the outdoors' donning of sports teams’ caps.Except, of course: Auburn.
3. Pick-up Truck
Perfectly Southern, but I’ve never owned one. Then again, I’ve never needed one.2. Chewing Tobacco
Uh, … no.1. Country Music
I’d rather listen to 10 people draw their fingernails across a chalkboard.
Miserable lyrics (“I was drunk the day my Mama got outa prison… and my dog died”), set to twang instruments, must surely be one of the deeper circles of Dante’s Inferno.
Okay. That’s enough confession.
Pass the cornbread, please.
-StraightJacket ... (Again)
